I am only the awareness

As we humans evolved during thousands of years, we simply could not wrap our heads around the questions related to our own existence. We have always been fascinated with the questions related to birth, death, love and reality. The extraordinary intelligence that we garnered in the process helped us to build bridges, turn the course of huge water bodies, fight the food chain to be at the very top, fly across continents and beyond in the space but we never understood the basic thing about ourselves.

The deep melancholy that runs through our life in between moments of happiness when we experience pure love. Why are we so miserable sometimes and so sure of our self otherwise? Why do we seek newer experiences among acquisition of things and relationships? Why do we want more of something and less of another? Why do we want to run away from fear, sadness and anxiety and come closer to freedom, love and grace?

Since, I was a child I was somehow fascinated with these questions. My favorite place would always be a train station where I saw many different people and all their faces had a different story to tell. I used to wonder what they are feeling when they are sitting there watching time fly by their lives. I moved places, traveled to different places due to different reasons, but everywhere on this planet humans are the same. With same set of problems and same set of reasons for happiness. No one is free in its truest sense. Neither the wealth or the absence of it helps us to understand more about ourselves.

The one thing that is common to every experience is the awareness of it. I am always aware of what I am experiencing whether it is burning anger or if it is deepest desire or if it is extreme happiness, I am always aware of it. This awareness is in the same state ever since I was born and throughout my life it has the same attribute. Between two thoughts, I always experienced this peace, silence and space-like vibrant that seems to aware of whatever I am going through. No matter what the situation is, if you ask yourself the question – Are you aware? The answer is quick and always the same – Yes. This awareness does not have person like qualities – Age, gender, color, attitude, or personality. It is simply witnessing my entire life moving across it without any comment, judgement or interpretation. It is also witnessing my thoughts, actions, plans, and deepest feelings. Being aware is the most intimate thought or recognition I ever have. As a matter of fact, it is the only thing has been constant throughout my life. Everything else that I thought about me is always changing – My personality, the way I look at things and life, my body and the world. If I was all these things, then am I also a transient concept like these things? Whom do I call as “I” when I refer to myself? Who am I? Am I just a bundle of transient thoughts and body that will grow old and die?

If that is the case then why do sometimes I feel as if I was born today? Why do I not feel lost in the streets of Amsterdam when I am actually lost? Why do I feel new every time I feel cool breeze on my face when I ride on a bike? Why do I feel nothing/almost numb in deepest moments of sadness or happiness?

I am not who I think of myself. I am not a person who was born years ago, who is getting old and will die someday. I am only a witness of this person. I am only the awareness.