Stupid heart.

I cannot live without telling you more of  who I am, in the vain hope that you will see that perhaps you have withheld your deepest thoughts from me in error -- mistaking me for a much simpler and shallower man than I am -- a man who could not possibly connect with you on the level with which you deal with existence.
I always wanted you to think of me to be a complex and rich spirit with whom to connect and revel in love and in deeper pleasures.

Before you met me, I have been alone in my thoughts for a very long time. My high school years were spent searching for some shred of meaning, some answer to the cries for understanding and love in my head. I
studied various philosophies, but found them all to be artificial and unsatisfactory -- the ruminations and constructs of others who seemed satisfied with what they had built, but which left me emptier still.

I am ambitious and work hard to achieve what i believe in, no matter what others think about it. So i decided to act and revel in action and life, perhaps for many years, rather than wallowing deeper into the hopeless abyss.
And then I met you. My older, deeper self cried out to me that maybe here was
deep, but only for the shell I had created.
Inside you i found my inner reclusive self, that mysterious face with typical contours and enigmatic demanour piqued my soul. Inside me was a mad scientist who was shouting "Eureka Eureka" but on the outside i was just plain looking at you disbelievingly. "Why cant i look in her eyes. I meet 100s of people every day and i look them in the eye but why cant i look in your eyes. Neither i am afraid not i am shy then what is that third feeling." I shook my head and reminded myself of not to be too happy. Because what ever i like too much God takes it away from me very quickly.

So I went along with it, I leapt to take what I could get of your heart when I could get it, in the hope
that we would share more deeply.

Perhaps it is folly to think that we could connect this way. It is more likely that we are doomed to the
confinement of our solitary minds.

 To you. Now.

Sunshine.