Closing this season

Last day of June.

I am closing this season of my blog series with this note. It had been a wonderful journey through which i explored inside and outside;made me aware of my self in the way never before.

Writing came to be as immense satisfaction amidst the times when it was hard to think clearly. So i wrote what came to my mind and published it without any editing. Readers may have found lot of irritation due to this and of which i apologize.

'Enduring Love' will always be special and close to my heart wherever i go. I would also thank technology which made it possible to showcase my work.

My mission while writing has been always to reveal exactly what lied beneath. Words came to me as if splashes of cold water on my face. I cant imagine the joy i derived while doing it.

I recalled her every time when i wrote and used to close my eyes and just think. It was not just recitation of words; it was pure thinking and imagination.
I artificially created events which never existed in my mind and loved you at the end and within of every event.

A few posts are very special to me. I remember shivering, laughing, consternating and gasping while writing them.

I close this season on a very positive note.

Thanks for reading

Cant Smile Without You

You know I Can't Smile Without You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh
and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm go ing through,
I just Can't Smile Without You.
You came along just like a song
and brightened my day,
Who'd've believe that you were part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away.
And now you know I Can't Smile WIthout You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I"m going through,
I just can't smile.
Now some people sa y happiness takes so very long to find.
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me.
And you see,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh
and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
Y ou see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just Can't Smile Without You

Empowerment

I don't like people who are miserable. The best a helpless deer can do is to wait for the death to arrive. One should take control of the situation. I have seen people completely changing scenarios upside down; even if it seemed impossible apparently.

I believe in being adamant to the level which tweaks your environment. People first call you reckless, impatient and immature; then you continue be dogged to what you believe and relegate them to mere bystanders from judges.

A Miserable being is petrified by a little dissonance in the environment and play to the tunes of society in the garb of being adaptive. Funny! Now I have seen some stalwarts fight; their supply, of what mob would call as basic amenities ceased but there is nothing like a sign. I have always honestly imitated such role models of mine. But as they say – you can fight and win every goddamn thing in the world but love is something that you lose even if you win. I saw my soul wriggling in pain every second and that too periodic that I could smell, for the first time, that wretched reek of helplessness.

I was shocked!

On the top of it, this situation was smeared with an obnoxious gluey obligation of societal relationships. One the one hand I want independency so that I could hold complete accountability but what I have to deal with close ones in order to breakup stupid deadlocks. This is something I am not meant for. Feels like a stupid character of daily soaps in the afternoon TV channels.

What should I do?

Don’t waste your time in accomplishing what you would never vouch for in the first place. So I went to mountains! Catered to my senses with what they love to do most. HEDONISM- The only religion which is sacred!

Enjoy the life; it’s a one time affair. Oscillate between flashy past and pick funny life grains spread sporadically!

So I choose Life. I choose empowerment. I choose power. I choose control.

Love is my birthright and I shall have it! If not this way then it would be my way.

Since this job is a ‘thankless job’ my expectations of
affiliation and recognition always reigned at par with the norms and I
always tried to control a plethora of emotions soaring high some times
as they would strike nonchalant shores of my reclusive self. Some how
the environment made me stronger and I developed the ability to hide
them under the garb of composure. Sir your appreciations were always
helpful in reminding me that the path I have chosen is the right one.

It

Some of the very serious writing came through a anonymous writer lately. Its an irony that great minds with excellent art are lost into oblivion. In my opinion different genres of writing and also film making signifies the variation in the entertainment which they produce and the effect they have on us.

Consider this contextual piece of writing which is inspired from memento and is added with a certain flick of words from my side-
"I lie here not knowing how long,alone. When i wake up in the middle of the night my hand goes to her side of bed and i know it would be cold because she is not here but still i cannot admit the fact and expect it otherwise.
So how can i heal.... how am i supposed to heal if i cant feel time?"

Edward Maya- Stereo Love

The music caught my attention as I was listening to a local fm channel in Bangalore. It has such a peculiar tune attached to it that is still ringing in my ears. On a weekend evening the posh streets of the city namely Brigade Road and MG Road gives an ambiance of real classy tranquil feeling. You smile inadvertently at the kaleidoscopic pattern of colors of neon lights flashing gaudy names. Flamboyance may be lingering over there but still people are so much in themselves that gives me an authentic unique identity feeling. I came out of hotel room, dressed in formals after finishing my job related work and went straight to a very cozy book shop, I liked its smell. Non- fictions I loved them and then I narrowed my selection to psychology. Guess what I got Letters from Sigmund Frued. I got Jack Nicholson’s –‘for a few Good Men’ DVD free as a gesture from shop owner. We discussed for a good one hour about movies and Tony Montana in ‘Scarface’ as our common star.

Well as I came out of the archaic shop the music in the street got me high. I used my belt to tie the books and got quickly into a Cafe with loud music playing my favorite track- Coming Back to Life. Pink Floyd got me high instantly as if a shot of morphine. I stayed late in there and danced till it closed down.

Next morning it was Sunday I got up late and started the day with south Indian 'Vada'. I like them without curry so I doubled my order with lot of coffee with it. I had already decided what to do. I’ll follow the thumb rule of traveling. Get into a local Bus and feel the nerve of the city. So I took a day pass and hop in one of the BMRTC Bus for a long route. I was told that ISKON Bangalore is a must watch so in the afternoon I got there. One won’t believe in the June it was raining there and a very pleasant weather prevailed most of the time. I really didn’t expect the feeling I inherited in the main premises of the huge temple. The roof top had large images of Krishna in various instances described in epics. One of them was Krishna playing flute along with dozen of ‘Gopi’ and the other one had majestic and enthralling close up of Radha. There were many of them. The bhajans were in form of continuous rhyming in a foreign monotone. The reverberations of almost thundering bells created a high energy environment among the devotees and it just propagated, encompassing lines of the front area.
I stayed there for a long time.

It was relaxing.

120kmph

On another dreamy evening and another dreamy self-reflection

Rahul- “ You know, you wake up someday and find things changing, situation is changing, people are changing; I want this moment, this very moment not to change forever. The way you look right now, the way we like each other, I want this to last forever.”

“ ya this will be forever. No matter what this is never gonna change.”


People say that when some thing is lost or gained; in both the cases you reflect backwards. You begin to treasure what always existed before.

When pawan and I were in college we used to say a lot against the system, college and fuck not what?
When he was here recently he asked where should we go. Now we’ve been places together. Spent a lot of money for trying what all we could. But this time he asked that when it was raining and the answer was obvious as he was looking at me.

Dude its evening and its raining. Where should we be?

GSTI????

Fuck No!!

Disco???

Fuck No!!!

Some Dhaba Outskirts???

Grow Up and Fuck No!!!

Then where should we go?

GSTI???

Fuck YEAH!!!

Okey Dokey.

Wanna go all backwards. Same old same old.

Its raining cats and dogs….. Haaahh!

Hey man! Remember old times. Lets do that.

Again???

Nope we are pass outs dude.

Ya but not Phased Out and also we are 2008!

Okay I have Yamaha FZ with me today; you have to fill it to full.

Okay Boss.

Only Jeans and….

I know, I know; the way we used to do it.

So here’s the plan. We start as its just dark, no lights. First the hostel; we collect some lads and sticks. Then we have those GAR Bags filled and then we move to Rani Sati and Girls hotel. After that we speed up to Tukoganj Thana and then to Yaswant Sagar Dam.
We stay there for night and early morning we return.

All set But I have my reservation at 10 am.

Don’t be sassy. Dumb asshole; also your company will save millions if you don’t report on time.

That is the Night and we are Dark Knights!!!

In speed I forget what is left all I remember and think of is Road!

So its 120kmph and I ask this Infamous question to Pawan. He is crying hard to make a point in the loud voice of Engine, Rain and gushing wind.

“ Do you still believe in the world Outside as you close your Eyes?”

And I roll the accelerator to Max. Its 2 secs already.

“ Do you still believe in the world Outside as you close your Eyes?”

And I am covering ground at the rate of 33 meters in a second.

“ Do you still believe in the world Outside as you close your Eyes?”

Yeah! And I save pawan from a dog crossing the road.

Excruciating and Liberating.

hope

What is true about this moment that I can grasp?

Okay there is rejection, suffering and no peace of mind.

But on the hindsight there is hope. Hope of rising again no matter what may come by. I know what I want is far but it’s not out of sight. It’s visible although blurred. No its not a mirage in the desert even though the series of situations have tried me to believe that.

Now why I want you so much?

Why do I need you so much?

Why it that all that I crave is is to talk to you even for some seconds?

When every thing else is gloomy I thought you will be capable enough to show me that light, that ray of hope. I will never explicitly tell you about my current predicament not now not ever because this testing moment will hopefully be faded.

Relationships don’t need name or any coronation from masses. All they need is some matter which is quintessential for their nurturing. My inadvertent development of trust, belief and love has created an infallible dependency on you. This very thing is outrageous and immature on my part. It never crossed my mind that if you will not be available when I face the testing waters; it will be a doomsday for me.

I never had and nor ever tried to depend on some one and to fulfill this I never really came close to that extent to anyone. I kept my spaces intact and there was vacuum. Nothingness,which was composed of my hallucinations; the only source of my joy.

The problem is that now you have got into those imaginations and it is not possible for me to separate you out.

Emotions

Emotion is a subject which is most indecisively documented in the disciple of Science. Psychology also has never seen any scientist to document this area in a phased and judicious manner. Freud, the originator of psychoanalysis, also dealt the subject only on applied lines of science by limiting the discussion to stress, anxiety and depression.

However interesting is the subject one cannot deal with the subject holistically because of its ambiguous complexity and variability at the same time. I being a mechanical engineer by training will talk only on the contemporary issues involved with the subject and try to present the various lines of thoughts. The points discussed may be direct and also harsh to different set of people but I assure that my observations and inferences are true with Indian or if extended to oriental lines of societal thinking. The description, knowingly kept in first person as I want to project them as my own and not something as judgmental set of evidence.

Lets discuss a very unique set of emotions first, which is termed as fear. Fear basically ‘evolved’ in humans as a response to the stimuli related with survival. An attack or life threatening stimulus induces fear in the subject which helps to survive. If someone attacks you or generate a set of conditions which affects or challenges the very sustainability of your life fear comes into the picture so that a necessary alarm is activated, thus soliciting a corrective action to either curb the same or escape from it. In a way this is a very positive emotion as without it one is unable to assess the impending danger to survive. However in the modernistic context this emotion creates a lot of problems in decision making capability of an individual by triggering some unnecessary actions all at the same time. Thus a problem which may be small in scale may overtly be exaggerated to unprecedented scales and provoking panic. When the panic button is pressed the fear psychosis initiates like an atomic bomb chain reaction. If a subject is exposed to chronic fear facing situations the physical response to the same first rises to the panic situation then the graph of physiological activity goes down to calm state even if the fear stimuli persists, this is result of artificial development of state of tranquility. But when the fear stimuli is re administered to the subject at a higher or same level after a period again panic button is pressed.
Such an individual then suffers substantial change in mental levels leading to either extreme hardening of other emotions or extreme vulnerability to emotions. In second case the individual looks forward to resolve fear situation by socializing or finding comforts in the most stress relieving activity. In way I am saying that a person lying in this region still has some scope to recover if gets proper heeding to his other senses. But on the opposite loneliness or absence of a proper channel for release can again harden him or her to extreme toughening level. Practically this can be seen in people working in constant fear situations such as War Veterans or people occupying position where substantial stakes are involved in form of money of lives.

Now I will take the subject mostly to people lying in the age group of after teen and before 35. Why this set?
Because this age group consists of youngsters who primarily have various individual and societal tasks to be performed say career goals, ambitions and stable relationships. Also a particular attribute associated with these people is that they are early birds. This phrase may be flashy and gaudy but I denote it with kids who are not expected to make mistake after their teenage. Also when earlier freedom related and instability related issues are resolved these youngsters are now expected to not only fly but also expected to satisfy other societal and peer obligations.

One thing is clear that emotions are the last thing that counts and matter. No one needs a stupid romeo anymore when it comes to relationships and also hobbying wont fetch any major rewards in the career. The statement is not negative but as its said the truth hurts.

My Life Is Brilliant!!!

What's Life?

What's is made up of?

Where are we heading?

I tried to read this book ' Satyarth Prakash ' when i was in 10th grade. I had it with me when i was in 8th. But then never read it at time because it had no pictures! I found this when mom was rearranging house and furnitures. Everytime when she did that i love it because i use to find my lost cricket balls under the bed! Old comics, sharpners, pensils, cheap digital watches, plstic toy cars, which race forwards if you push them backwards, diwali cards, crayons, sketch pens, dad's drawing compass, grandmother's tobacco box, combs, scales, my plastic gogles, water boat- the once which floats if you burn a candle inside it, glass tube with water and sparkles inside with an air bubble intact; if you make it upside down you watch the bubble going up with lots of sparkes, all this and lot more under that huge double bed we had.

So i found this book in the cupboards and i took it to my place.I loved the smell of it.Then there was an antique show in my school there i displayed it as my prized possession.

Its a book written by Swami Vivekanand and tells you a lot about life. I dont want to be pedantic but in a nutshell what i inferred was that life is made up of those small and very small moments that impacts you as an individual and decides your character.

I mean how many times it happenes that we get so much engrossed with the present consiousness and completely forget what beautiful rain drops life has endowed upon us.

I mean in Vidisha we used to cycle what like 3 hours daily in a group of 20 kids! I remember in that colony whenever i called for a bithday party atleast 50 kids used to come!
Conical caps, crap paper decoration, HAPPY BIRTHDAY witten on the wall, kids running all over the house, distributing chocolates in the class and my friends watching keenly what i am doing when i am giving it to girls was something i cant get back!

If i close my eyes and try hard to recall my kG friends i get the names of Aditya Namdev(the only one with a surname i remember), Rishab, shailendra and rony....

Ok i ll continue in the next post i gotta go!

2 months

As i write this it will be exact 2 months that i 'll be sleeping without hearing a lullaby from you. It’s said that when someone's voice becomes so much important for you and you miss it so much that you try to always hit the source for it. Eyes try to get that sense of familiarity which you would like to melt within. That face which endowed you with something I never felt before.
I am confused! I really am.
Because this one time in my life i have to compromise with something and this time its my life. You came so close and that too very silently. You touched my heart and touched my soul.Every hope and composition of my day, inadvertently got so much intertwined with that of yours that now when you are not here everything collapses just like a palace of cards. Just like that!

Now when i am cognizant of the present situation,its complexity kills me from inside every day when i wake up. Because when i wake and keep by legs on the floor,i think of you doing the same!

I respect you for what you are doing and taking the flak from every side just to serve the righteous path! And i also know that i am not so much strong to do the
same and thats the reason i make mistakes. I am vulnerable every time when i think of you missing me but not telling it!

My frivolous attempts to get your voice in my ears may have caused you a lot of trouble. There were infinite times when i deleted and then again restored your number, just to not bother you as my fingers doesnt listen to me when i see your name in my cell. I buried your photos seven folders deep in C drive of my laptop just to avoid our virtual rendezvous every now and then when it was on desktop. But believe me there were nights all together when i like a moron go deep and find you out. Funny i one time also measured how much time did it take to find you after seven folders. Wanna know how much 1.21 secs said my mobile.

I have crossed the lines of stupidity as i now find that i had rehearsed about 200 ocassions; the way how i ll meet you next time and what i am gonna do just to make you smile.

You would ask is it worth it!

You know what i ll say..



EVERY BIT OF IT.

Because i think that remembering you is the best gift my stupid revelations have give to me.

I also think about how hard it must be for you and how are you dealing with it but i truly apologize for what changes you now have to face in your lifestyle because of me. I understand how is it to live when your freedom is choked. I also know that you are not explicitly telling it to your close ones for it. And you think silently complying them is the best that you can do.

Well honestly i never so this coming. I owe you for the things that you have done for me. I ll respect you for that always. I am responsible for all this mess which has piled up. So its my job now to take care of it; so i will take every step towards this purpose.

I think you are wonderful student. Hardworking, smart and determined as you are, put in all your efforts in the right direction. Don't let it be a spoilsport because of me as i would never be able to bear this thought.
I have always thought about your career very seriously as i saw the very first time in your eyes. All this time from the school to college you've consistently
put in efforts to make every around proud.
So Never compromise with the dream which you have seen even if its me or for that matter anyone else. Even if you have to fight against obligation of the self or emotions. I'll be there for you.

I dont want that some years down the line after its all done some people say that our love is immature.

So i would want it to happen the other way. Lets set an example as they say every problem can be converted into an opportunity. I ll have to extend some more control in me for that. Really have set some goals.

Dont have the focus really now whether i should tell you about them now or i should wait for some time as i am tired of giving you the information of my failure every time. This time i want to change that.

Its hard to come to a conclusion that whether i should see you now as i want it more that any thing else. But i am afraid that after you would be gone when will the next time that i ll see you.
The more i come close to you the more i want it. Am addicted to you. Cant live without you and also cant meet you.

Oh god just help me sail through this storm. The turbulence is killing and my boat is broken.

gogi2

Gogi and i was sitting on this concrete water tank, just by the sidewall of the hostel terrace. We were quiet for a some time. Both of us staring at the sky, watching different patterns of stars. Gentle breeze, very cool. Sound of wind gushing through trees and all very tranquil atmosphere. I was smiling, dont know why?

We used to do that a lot; we called it sky gazing. Its always good with best friends, you dont have to talk always to have a sound conversation! I quickly went into hyper activate and it was all so good.

In the middle of it Gogi started moving his fingers on my face.
" Keep you hands off me fucn asshole"
" Ha ha ha ahaa!"
" Fncn homo you break into my story i was imagining."
" ya as if it was a very big deal"
"Just shut the up ok!"
" no i wont"
" ya you know what the day i was friends with u my life has been a very loner type. The best moments i wish i should have shared with some1 special were tragically with you"
" Huh. Now you will assign me for all you bad luck"
" ya specifically. Remember amritsar golden temple at 3 am"
" How can i forget that. What a chillaxing site. Absolute beauty."
" Ya for sure! So good but when i looked around i find a dude with me instead of a girl! That too a fagot fat pale face of yours"
" Haa haa ha"
"Remember Manali, that snow balling activity"
" That was real fun rahul. I enjoyed it like hell man"
" Ya i played in that snow with you dumbass when every one else was with a gal i was with a stud!"
" So you are remorseful because of that! Huh.."
" Ya specifically"
" Aye it was your theory that we stay away from gals because they just dont fit. Too much sassy and joy killers. I mean those were your words"
" I know, I know! But they are cute and some times with exceptions they can be a good company, you what i mean.Getting cozy and doing stuff!"
" Huh. HHaa haaa ha. And what about your hail mecheez theory and ...."
" Ya so what! I cant we right all the time. I am human. Make mistake sometimes."
"So what you wanna do. All this hard work we did to build our 'image' and now you are saying that we must become like those day scholars, hang out in canteen, listen to those crappy talks of CCs and poor sense of humor of stupid girls. I can get sick dude because of that. You know talks like - 'omg i forget to submit 4th assignment' and like 'my dad says this, my mom says that, my bro is naughty ' Oh dude i cant take that even for a min."

" Oh! man your right but see if we need to hook up and all. We have to listen it even if it kills us within. "
" You are asking so much!"
" Nope we gotta try atleast. Now here is the plan!"
" Stop it. Your plans have got me in to way to many troubles."
" What my plans always saved your ass. remember when your armyman bro came with her fiancee i fixed up things so nice."
" Look who's talking"
" Dont use that sassy phrase"
" Ok! You booked 'nishabd' movie's tickets for our family. I remember my dad got so upset that he ran outta hall in the middle of it."
" Ya but your sister in law stayed. May be she liked it! After it was intense and sensual drama"
" I'll kill you if say a word.hahahha! And that ring idea of yours!"
"I thought it may look romantic to some girls so i put that in her platter while she was having dinner your brother's fiancee"
" Dude she might have almost eaten it. And you hid it in a pickle jar. Does that make sense?"
" Perfectly. Here's my hypothesis. Girls like sour things. On dinner proposing is cool. She doesnt drink so why not with a pickle! Sane enough!"
" Alright einstein! No more plans. Just let me sleep okay"
" Okay"

Billy Bob Thorton- Sling Blade

jack nicholson- For a few good men

Al Pacino Scent of a woman

Taxi Driver- Robert de niro

Movies that changed things!!!

Hypocrites

The world doesn't disappear if you close your eyes.

" Slow down rahul you are too fast "

" Too fast? Am just warmed up "

" Hey! Hey ! This isn't my car goddammit; its my dad's "

" Ya its not mine either. Its your dad's car. Any ways thanks for the info.I don't like this match box alto anyway."

" Info! Ass hole he's gonna kill me if there is a scratch on it."

"Kill you. Well technically i also very much sometimes feel like to kill you dear friend."

" Cut the crap. Slow down the fcn vehicle down. "

" Hey relax. Its an empty high way in the middle of the night and only thing which we would have to maneuver is this car of your and those trucks can take care of themselves."

" Dude! me allowing you to drive was a very bad idea in the first place."

" Ya. you are right and now there is no going backwards. Its a rule in my book and also you have very fewer choices left honey bunny."

"Look! I ll be nice and i ll forget that you pushed this little car to 100 kmph if you pull over and give me the steering. How about that?"

" What about that. Its not lucrative at all your offer to 'pull over' "

" Ok slow down now. We have enuff time to hit the destination. Moving this fast will fatten our fuel bill."

" I am paying."

" See dude. Its kinda imprudent and childish to say this but you might wanna stop the car coz i cant bear the idea of having this car crashed and me dying this early and that too along with you."

" Wooh! Nice imagination Uncle. See a little discomfort can really tickle your thinking nerves."

" I wont say a thing rahul you unholy maniac. Ok i am scared. But because of this impulse i will survive."

" See i told you; you think better when there is discomfort around."

" Are you listening to me?"

" What?"

" Are you listening to me? Rahul! Is everything ok"

" Ya dude its ok. Its just that it reminded me of something"

" Who?"

" Her"

" Not Again.Man. Its all fine i think its just that may she needs some time or some important priority. May be because of her family obligations she cant talk right now."

" Just shut the fuck up tommy. Stop intoxicating me with some thing which i dont know. ........ Sorry but its just that i have been giving myself the same reasons all this time and again. I know it may also me hard for her.

But its fucking 21 st century and she is an engineer. If you are saying that talking to me for 10 seconds can create a catastrophe for her then tell be what do i look like to you."

" hey rahul. Man just be okay. I know you miss her. But its just out of control this situation to me"

" Out of control. Man i hate it. Tell me once! You have seen me for i dont know how many years. Was i sentimental for any girl till this time."

" Ha haha haa. Not to my info. But i always knew if its gonna happen with you it will be unfathomable, the extent of the attachment."

" You dumbass. its nice you are smiling huh! Every dog has a day. But seriously tommy you know i never compromise with the things and people. This very time when it was something very special to me; its so hard for me to bear the fact that she is just 100 kms to me and cant talk to me even on the phone."

" Look dude! I know the way we had handled things before. We may not have been right everytime but ultimately we did it for our friends and this time also you know sonny, dixy, rony, bhattu, dushy and i will do the things only that way the way you want it."

" I know tommy. You dont have to say that."

" But we cant see you suffer like this champ. Every one looks up to you man. Let me figure out something. You know she has same feelings for you? "

" Ya. I believe this is the case."

" Good. Then whats the problem. Lets fill the tank some more and by 5 in the morning we can reach bhopal. Then you can meet her up and tell her how are you feeling."

" Dude. If i had to do that. I would have done that already. I also tried it before but it didnt work out. I mean that may upsets her. Once i went to do the same. I picked up mustus car and i woke up early u wont believe like 4 am and then in order to give her a surprise i called her and said i was in bhopal for some college work. But i couldnt catch up. But then she said to her mom who promply invited me her home. I then rushed along with my mom purposely with mom so that things dont blow out of proportion and everything looks normal.
That was one of the best evening that i ever had. I told mom about how i felt about her. She already may be knew it cos she knows i never really hooked up with girls before.
But since that evening dude; life had literally played violin with my ass.
her parents saw her crying because of me and that was the end.
Every time i think about it. Its just.... hard to breathe in here. Lets pull over.

" Ok"

" will u care for some tea. tommy "

" ya sure."

"Help yourself ass hole. Dont think if i am senti then you can take advantage!"

" Hah! Nice joke. hey what that on you hand."

" What. Its nothing. Just a scratch."

" Nope. Its something else. some pattern of a sort.Its some blade marks. Whom did you mess up with. Show it to me. Jesus Christ Rahul are you mad? Whats that."

" Its nothing. Just a small thing."

" Ass hole what do you think of yourself you are trying to prove"

" Am not proving any thing to any body? Okay"

" Then why did you carve her name on your hand that too with a blade."

" See lets not discuss this. i ll fetch you some tea. "

" Forget about it. I need an explaination for this. Right now."

" Okay i called her. As always she didnt turn up so i write a msg that i ll cut myself if you dont. And nothing happens after it. So i did this."

" Stupid if she didnt picked up you dont have to do this."

" I wrote her that msg dats why"

" Asshole it was just a msg. It doesnt mean you actually mean every word of it"

" Well she doesnt like hypocrites tommy.She wrote that some where. And I said it that means i have to do it. Afterall its not that bad. Its her name. I like it on my body. skin deep."

" Come here Dude.I didnt knew you love her that much."

" How much tommy."

" Forget about it. Lets have some tea. Clear some air."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DADDA

Strange is this thing?

When i was High School My principal said ours was the worst batch in the history of School. My Competition exam tutor Mr. Joshi said the same thing even though i was the only one got who got through iit screening in the whole fcn batch!
So i came under a impression of high held air of snobbery of getting that infamous but highly coveted title of being the one in the worst batch ever in the history of any education or for that matter any social congregation.

Now i was in gsti and there too i was expecting the same thing to happen. So i wasnt surprised when warden in the first week self had to come in person with some tough guys to teach my batch 'some manners'. But after he was done i didnt listen him saying that ear pleasant rhetoric. He never said that we were the worst batch. Instead he said just the opposite. I was shocked.

My mechanical batch has 60 seats but amazingly breakup was like this- 30 General candidates with 25 boys and 5 girls. Rest of the seats were reserved with people continuing the same course for a whooping 6to 7 and to even eight years. Out of those reserved 30 again 21 were boys and 9 girls. Also if drop in some diploma entry students one can imagine the kind of batch we make.

Practically it was not possible to remember every body's name because in each sem our classmates change. Thus age range of mech batch is about 10 years! That means one can very much expect a student of 21 years of age studying with 31 yrs age student to be this fcn classmate.

This calls for a very tough training with mind and also physical to take pressures from peer group. I hope you are catching my drift.

Inspite of such a Versatile batch with so many different candidates our batch didnt get the title of worst batch ever. I was curious to find reason. But whom should i approach to get info.

HOD was around 62 years old. Leave the Director i never saw his face or had a chance to talk in person! Also other antiquated faculty with huge experience cant render me my info. But i was friends with the peon of the department. Same age group around 62 years of age. Same experience of around 30 years in GSTI.

I came up to him and asked- " Dada, should i ask you a question? "
" Ya go on son"
" You have seen our batch. We almost every day create nuissance in the college and outside. I mean 10 police cases in nearby tukoganj thana in last 4 years. Best football team when we roughed up those local colleges. 3 grand functions;One of them initiated only this year. I mean what else- what can be worse. We also have 3 gold medalists this year. Its the best and worst batch according to definition. But why no college staff talks about it. They just dont mind us!!!"

Dada burst in to a crocked laughter which went on for at least a minute. Then he became silent, picked a bidi from his front pocket, lit it and took a heavy puff.
I had to look sideways so that i shoudnt be seen by any faculty with him.
I asked Dada- " Why are you smoking in public that too in college.What if that asshole HOD saw you. He will fire you Goddamit. "

Dada said calmy- " You dont worry Kid. You question had in a sense made me to go backwards. Some nostalgic moments got my head filled up with something. Lets walk "

" OK"
We moved in to our Huge mechanical workshop which was easily equivalent to a small factory!

Dadda said-
" You see those framed pictures kid on that torn off wall."
" Ya but i should look closer"
" Then see them closely i ll some questions then"
" I was supposed to get an answer and now you give me this question. Not good!"
" Thats what is the problem with you young lads. You just want things without any pain"
" Ok Ok old man. I am watching them photos."
They were yellowish old photos of earlier batches of our college. But i couldnt recognise their faces
" Who are they? I can see any big deal about it. and whats the point afterall. My question stays where it was."
" Wrong! You didnt see them closely."
"I saw them dada i cant recognise them."
" Ok. I ll tell you. These photos are of mechanical batches right from year 1956 till date. Many of these when grown up became chief minister, IAS, Director, President, CEOs and some are still on that same path. Many came here and gone kid. You cant recognise them in these photos because they were like you now.
Who recognise you outside this college. You always have to tell people that you are a product of GSTI Mechanical Factory. But some time later when you will get to the place which are dreaming of now then in the most righteous way you will be able to so justice to your institution. So dont think your batch or you are worthy to be called as worst or best ever now. It will be only 25 years later when you will be coming to celebrate silver jubilee in the same premises, that the nature of your motivation be known."

I was just moved by what the old man said. That very moment there was this 25years silver jubilee reunion party of the alumini going on in mechanical porche and Digvijay Singh was there not as a chief guest but as one of our Alumini.

I was filled with proud that time. I very much am proud of GSTI mechancial and always be.
When ever i feel low or distracted i feel very relaxed in this place and the same i am feeling now as i write this laying on my hostel ground.

People always come and go. They have priorities. But when you are not in the priority of someone you feel, you should be. It feels not so good. But i don't beat my head over that any more. May i was lucky so far in getting friends who always show up when needed but this may be an overgeneralisation when applied to certain other relationships which some people call sacred but when it comes to give back all they give is pain, just because they have priorities and clearly i am not the one right now.

But this building was always there in its place.
" Give me strength to pass this moment and stay focused."

No remorse or ill feeling for any one but remember memory is a very biased set of device as it records things with certain perceptions about some events that no matter how enormous amount of conditioning you do afterward it always 'recalls' what it has to!

Remember me???

How am I supposed to heal if i cant feel time?

I walk on the crowded streets my legs attached to the road and mind just not ready to stay conscious.My present chaotic, dreamy illusion takes me backwards. I think of her in every next  moment. I curse my self of being a nerd again but that feeling doesnt subsides. Then i realize you do exist some where and try to reach you. But I just crawl on thorns and broken glasses when you dont turn up. Then i feel guilty of behaving so immaturely because i know u cant talk or respond to me. Then i cut my self up thinking how can someone be so much bonded that if she says that faith persists. She thinks i exaggerate when i say i ll harm myself if this keeps happening. So i carve your name on my hand this time with a blade just as a souvenir. I know everyone if call it immature but i dont think so.

You can just feel the details. The bits and pieces you never bothered to put into words. And you can feel these extreme moments... even if you don't want to. You put these together, and you get the feel of a person. Enough to know how much you miss them... and how much you hate the person who took them away. Believe me if i can do things to me it will be very easy for me to do the same to others.

 

Evanescence- Bring Me To Life

I think d opera singer version of the video was much better than original.
Any ways the song is strong from basics that is its lyrics and its a lyrical song, that way.
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

Gogi

12.15 hrs
I go into Gogi’s room bashing his door with a kick. That was my sign that I am at your place! After all it was all Government property so no one has to pay any fine for that.
Out side his room was written all the obscenities which surely individualize his persona as a super cool and extremely notorious guy. Obliviously his parents would not conform to this definition because to them he was 2 times IIT qualified, 1 time science Olympiad qualified and like many of us under 200 rank in PET.
Me and Gogi were like bothers. First time we met was on Table Tennis table. I said something funny and he almost busted me!
Second time we met in the mess and surely me messed pretty well out there.
Third time we met when we were ragged simultaneously by my mecheez seniors for playing smart with their female batch mates. They were pissed up. The reason was genuine as usually in gsti mechanical you find girls to boys ratio going very very less than one. That leaves to very hostile situation some times.
Anyways seniors first asked me to give five slaps on gogi’ face. I was delighted. There were some old scores to be settled with him and his plump pink cheeks were already giving me some twisted itching on my palm. So I stated with the first one. He immediately gave a violent reaction. But the ball was in my court and there were still 4 to go. One by one I made him mr. pink by the end of it. It was awesome.
Seniors obviously were more experienced and they surely got the idea of our personal enmity.
So they turned the tables. To my great disadvantage they asked Gogi to reward the same to me. He was really mean. He gave me five tight punches that too with his rings on his finger. My skin was cut and it started bleeding.
Warden came out when he got the idea of some trouble brewing up. So those seniors ran for their life as they would have got detained for the same. A few were already been detained for ‘indiscipline conduct’. But I stayed and so was Gogi.
Warden saw our faces red and got the whole story. But he wanted names and for that he brought a bamboo stick with him.
He started with Gogi first. Asked him a couple of questions about his background and then he roughed him up with a few reprimands.
He didn’t say a bit.
“Why the fuck is your face red?” He asked assertively. He coaxed him. He didn’t say a bit. He cajoled him. He didn’t say a bit.
Then he lifted his slick and made a fearsome stance. He did not give a reaction. He was poised.
The Warden got on his nerves. So he gave a full, nice and square hit on this right arm, so hard that some how my fists tightened up. A second later I realized that I was so much in rage that my jaws clenched and my body began to shiver for retaliation; and all that for a guy who just five minutes ago hit me to bleed!
Guy saw me passively. He was really in pain. I could make out in spite of his serious attempt to conceal it.
I could not stop now. But I cant say the name of seniors. My small mistake in order to save my ass would cost them dear that too their career. I was in dilemma. So only thing that I could do was to turn warden’s attention towards me.

So I said to him in a low and gentle tone to stop hitting Gogi. He gauged the agony in my voice; so he came for me. Gave me one good blow on my shoulders, that sonofabitch.
After some moral bullshits which he gave us for good 30 minutes he left.

I took out my shirt which was wet from sweat and blood. I came to Gogi and lifted my hand for a hand shake. He brought be closer to give a hug. We ordered some tea.

That’s how I got my best friend in my college. From that day till now this moment; whenever one of us is in deep shit gets a sure help without saying.

Predicament

The most heartbreaking thing about my current predicament is that I m not in control of the things which are happening to me. I have always maintained an understood truce with me that only I’ll be taking decisions of my life and therefore I shall be the sole person responsible for whatever good or bad outcomes. The same is the way I believe should be done for at least those people who are around me. After all every one has a right to maintain his or her individuality.
That is freedom for me. The very idea that some one else, even if revered and well wisher of mine takes decisions for me and thereby controlling my life is totally unacceptable.
Thankfully my promoters have always maintained it and never questioned the sustainability of those decisions.
How can a soul which is different than me can take away this right and say its good for me? I mean how good it is depends how much stakeholder I was in maintaining this belief.
Than to make matter worse people have certain inhibitions, prejudices, inclinations for making quick judgments. Why can’t they ask that poor soul just one time that does my way of doing this hurts you? Every one has some set of emotions which are a peculiar and sensitive part of their existence so they by every mean are entitled to the right for deciding the best course available. And what does it matter even if that is not that right.

But they simply don’t seem to care for that. They don’t know that while doing this someone’s respect for them is getting permanently jeopardized which is inevitable in the present circumstances.

I know not every one is awarded the right to speak up to state their point of view but seriously mate nothing is given just like that, you have to take it to make things done your way.

Speaking of prejudices, which are formed on the basis of past experiences; and other sources such as peers, assertive parental ‘advices’ the mindset of an individual becomes myopic and even more serious- overtly generalized.
Let’s see some of unsaid over generalized statements which can always cost some one dear in their life.
1. All those who study hard, get good grades, follow well defined and previously successful career path live good, happy and contented life.
2. Judgments made on the basis of physical appearance and shallow analysis of individuals.
3. My past relationships were broken because of my this habit so if I carry on with it I will surely be facing trouble with the next one.
4. Love and Career just don’t go together. Why? Because I have seen many doing badly when they are not focused and cant concentrate on ‘other important things’.
5. What will people say if I tell them I did ……. Blah blah…


6. Love marriages seldom fetch any ‘good’ results as its about catering self interests on the cost of high held repo. of concerned and also there develops clashes between the couple over a period of time. Or Arrange marriages seldom fetch any ‘good’ results as its all about compromise.
7. Girls are meant to do this. Boys are meant to do that. You should do this but not that because what people will think.

Whenever I hear such plebeian holier than thou attitude people the only thing that crosses my mind is – Lord please forgive them because they don’t know what they are doing.

Who decides what makes or breaks my concentration. Who decides is my definition of success. Some people may consider it wise to buy a home first then a car but what if I am unwise and want to do it other way?
What maximum wrong can happen? And seriously mate people don’t have time to see us and you know what I don’t have time to think about them.
Life is a limited overs game and our power play has already been exhausted still there is a huge pile of runs we are chasing. If we waste time and mind on what audience is thinking we simply cant play the way we should i.e. OUR WAY which is natural and not some smart ass’ ADVICE.

The One I never Sent To U

My precious, most beloved girl
I knew it was only after you had gone that i would realize the full extent of my happiness and, alas! the degree of my loss as well.I still cannot grasp it, and if that elegant golden box with luxury pen and that sweet picture were not lying in front of me, I would think it was all a beguiling dream and be afraid to wake up.
But I now know its all real. You are mine, the sweet girl of whom everyone speaks with admiration, who despite all my resistance captivated my heart at our first meeting. You are the one who came towards me with high minded confidence at our second meet and strengthened the faith in my own value and gave me new hope and energy to work when i needed it most.
When i return, darling girl, i shall have conqurered the shyness and awkwardness which have so far inhibited me in your presence.We will sit alone in that nice little room again, my girl will settle down in that chair and we will talk of the time when there will be no difference between night and day, when neither intrusions from without nor farewells nor worries shall keep us apart.
Your Lovely picture. At first, when i had the original you in front of me i did not think so much of it; but now, the more i stare at it the more it resembles the beloved you sweet girl. I expect the pale cheeks to flush the colour my roses were( which i brought along but didnt give to you still in my car's dashboard). I expect your delicate arms to detach themselves from the surface of laptop's screen and seize my hand; but the precious pic doesnt move, it just seems to say: " patience!patience! I am just a symbol, some pixels on your screen; the real person is going to come to you and then you can neglect me again."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
if i had known that, that was the last time i will see till this time; i would not have let u go widout me but alas the above one was more happy in the drafts folder which came out only today.
Mr. Blunt said it all in this song about my current predicament.
"I am so hollow
i am so hollow baby
i am so i m so .............hollow widout u"

Wake me up when september ends

I heard this song Green Day first time when i was in I year. Then i didnt see its official video; which i only saw an year later i.e. by the time the college hostel had developed its own LAN Internet connection. I knew i had missed the art for whole 12 months. It was truly a waste of time since i was attending 'classes'.
So guys if still didnt see the video and heard only the song. Right now go to youtube and please see the official video. Its an earnest request and surely you wont be disappointed.

Another One from James Blunt

If you see the live video of this song i bet the most poignant soul will also curl on account of its serious gloomy effect.
Pure Vocal.

Goodbye my Lover


Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Bonhomie

Thanks to the insomniac interventions i got a little more time to pursue myself amidst all non-important things.
So here i am watching through the window another day coming to an end.Its a bad joke but when you are stuck in a monotonous routine then you find yourself going nowhere. You struggle hard to make a difference to this new day but when it goes down you are dead and on another day you are born again.
Just as if you are peddling along a river against its flow and going nowhere.
Thus it becomes important to put some flags in your life by which you remember at least some days distinctly.
So when you recall that passed away moment in a photograph it may feel to be a proud one.

Traveling is one such flag.You can say last feb i was in keral or may be 2008 june i had a good time in jammu. May be a good idea you wanna try.

Adieu

You are beautiful

This song by James Blunt is pure brilliant work. A prodigy that evolves once in a life time you see.Only once it happens that the best comes out and kudos to the guy for the lyrics. Video of the song is very simple and absolutely touchy.
I bet all my dough(if any) on any day for anything less which i have said for its eulogy.



"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Jetrionica

The more you have it the more you want it
And when you know you cant have it anyway now
the enormousness of the growing pain is indefatigable
and nothing now pleasant mitigates its noxious effect then
what will you do!

When i cringe myself to take an escape from here
the shackles appear to be so strong
no respite in this beckoning and damn this forlornness!

Expectations

An axiom says that expectations are the root cause of friction in relationships. If you expect nothing then there is no question about grief with the outcome. A highly held hindu Spiritual Gita also establishes the above mentioned principle as an important guideline for a happy and contented life.

But is it possible to expect nothing from the work in which you have put in your convictions?
Is it possible to expect nothing from your very beloved one, the one you think about every passing second?
This is a very relevant question in lieu of this complex mechanism named as love. First of all one is not very sure about what to expect from a soul which is different from your own one.
Another issue is the medium of expression. One study about human behavior makes an interesting point in this regard. Males are very responsive to visual stimulation and their brain adopts the sensitive information much more through pictorial representations, colors and contours. All this happens unconsciously as
their mind interprets even the most subtle emotional and sensitive cues through sensual stimulation which is physical. That is the reason that males are mostly given to pictorial representations, scenic beauty and may be in some cases to pornography.This doesn't mean that their is lesser sense of emotionality present in men; on the other hand its very intense and concentrated. They may not be even be able to state the reason of their like or dislike about a thing or person because of this style of working of mind unless introspected honestly.

Females on the other hand rely mostly on past experiences which acts as major decision making tool for them and more importantly sensitivity. This system when applied to complex emotions such as love produces various vacillating thought processes. This is the probable reason for male thinking is attributed to rationality and female thinking with sensitivity.
However these observations are not hard and fast since a lot many other variables too play in together to produce millions of different traits. But the above observations are resultant to primordial biological roles which genders had. Male developed high specialization in spatial and long distance visibility for surviving in the wild and female on the other hand developed the role of nurturing and protection of young ones, thereby becoming specialized in attention to detail in nearby area and sensitive as a mother.

This is the reason why males seldom find things in the cupboards or food in refrigerator but are adept in warfare via sensing danger from a distance.

This is about the method of registering deeper emotions in the two genders.Now the same obviously produces differences in the method of expression.

So if you are expecting something which is very special to you but is grossly overlooked or misinterpreted by your partner then probably this is the time to move on.

Also when the world is fast changing and equally competitive there is little scope for emotional expectations to be met in the way you like. At a young age and specially when its your first love then it hurts a lot when the other partner is not in rhythm to what you would like to.

In the end a another observation for all of those in love.

'A Boy will always prefer to meet in person with his girl( Visual Stimulation) rather than texting a message and a girl will listen or make note of the conversation very carefully; if possible will also relate it to earlier talks done on the same matter.'
Same kind of feelings exist in both of them but reception and expressions are different. That is what which makes it all very interesting.

PS

Where there is a will there is a Way

Some years back when i was in secondary schooling chetan and i used to love this subject called social science. Although medieval history was bit boring but it was modern post renaissance period which piqued my interest.

My favorite characters were Hitler, Gandhi(though i was hurt with Bhagat singh's incident), Raja ram mohan rai, Vallabh Bhai Patel and Indira Gandhi.

These guys were reformers actually. I remember there used be a very clisqhed topic about emancipation of women. I mean whenever this topic came for an essay writing people used almost didactic and cold way of presenting their thoughts. The topic is sensitive and deserved a serious thought process in from the first principles.

Its quite interesting to note that many of my female classmates had adopted a very predictable nicer than thou attitude when an open question was thrown by my teacher. If you need to understand a subject which is related to human affairs the thought process can start very near to you. I mean you can take a cursory view of the life of your mother or sister. Then one can include in a step by step manner the view point of women present in different economic and social strata of our society.

Please don't say a nicer than thou attitude will help here.One has to be less emotional but at the same time sensitive to the issues which are faced commonly in our female counter parts.

Chetan helped me to understand the division of responsibility when it comes to male and female gender. I seriously noted that point and decided then to take this initiative to a step further by having an open discussion with our then stalwart science and civics teachers. Being in a Coed school located in suburbs of the city i got very informative insights on the subject. Also my maternal relatives who live in tier 3 city helped enormously in broadening my viewpoint by including the dynamics of a joined family. Then i had few of my mates outside the school kins of my dad's few officers and my coaching mates; all of them were distinct as they unbiasedly represented new cultural modernistic and economically sound footings.

Well my sample size for the research was rich as it had diversity but i was still bothered about the validity of my study. So i asked some helped from mentor cum friend cum 'wise' principal which he gladly conceded to me. So i started most of the time debating with my female classmates about the issues and seriously made the points of each of them. I registered a lot of data in form of questions then from every possible female in my peer group.

In the end i presented the data to my mentors. Following were the main points which still stand in conformation of my beliefs.

1. When we talk of gender bias, we in the first place are instigating a feeling of separatism in our class rooms and work places. These are the places where already equal opportunity in terms of resources is provided. Still if some one is having leverage only because of his or her's gender then something is wrong in either in the individual perceptions. One should not concede any benefit or banishment purely on the grounds of gender.

2. One of the most important and widely overlooked point is that some women themselves, have acclimatised with the norm of distorted balance of power between man and woman. They have misunderstood this as something which is burdened upon them by nature. Females conforming to this view point also takes great pains to ingrain the same principles in the newer generation.

3. Surprisingly,a huge strata of Educated and Economically sound society, on the one hand make decent efforts in education of their girl children but on the other hand when it comes to deep rooted culturally institutionalized processes such as marriage they follow the uneducated herd and apply the same orthodox rules.
Its a pity state of affairs that our female counterparts who are educated to the level of doctors, engineers, Phds shunt their career post marriage and in a way hurting the national economy.
A simple reasoning can say that if a doctor ceases to do her job and is contented with household work then first the nation looses one highly skilled human resource and second one low skilled labor looses her job for household work.


If we want to see a change in our life style then it is our duty to work about it, similarly it is only women and particularly young ones who can work for the change and see the change right from their own surroundings.

I hope these coarser but true lines will help to see my point.

" i dont want to be a product of my environment i want my environment to be a product of me."

Wish i cud sing this for you

Yellow- Coldplay


Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars look how they shine for you

letters

"What souvenir did you bring from your last holidays?"

" Couple of books on my favorite subjects, a dozen picture postcards and some learning too."

" Am i talking to a nerd?"

" No you are talking to me."

" Great! give a reason why these items don't make you a traveler in the lost heralds"

Me smiling
" Ya you can say that but things have changed now. I have grown now."
" No you sound as if you are licking your wounds from the last apocalypse u ve been to!"
" Dont try me now. Ok."

" I m scared!"
" By the way can i make a prediction?"
" Ya go on. I know you will be right after all...."
" Don't you kill the fun asshole."
" Ok i wont say a thing. You tell me what is your guess."

" Those books are on Freud or may be a in depth study of emotions and those picture postcards you might have already thought what to write on them and where to send, but you don't have the exact address of her."

" Dammn you are right.How come you always make the right guess."

" I'll tell you. Its simple- you are talking to yourself retard."

" Oh Crap!!! Not Again. "

In the End It doesnt even matter

Sometimes simple people accomplishes extraordinary feats.
I m not talking about heroics in hostile conditions where makes a ticking in the spine when you see them.
Surely not that.
I m talking about the less talked and acknowledged ones.The one that gets lost into the oblivion not because you didn't bother or had time to do so. All that happened inadvertently. We just took it for granted.
Well let me elaborate my point.
A few months back i came across an interview of Anil Kumble ( i recalled it since i was staying near anil kumble circle in Bangalore) where he was asked about the difference in the expectations of followers of Sachin Tendulkar and him. He said one of the basic difference is that in every match since maturity i had to prove people wrong and he had to prove people right. He went on adding that people expects a century from sachin every time he comes to bat. When he does it he proves them right and when he doesn't surprisingly people again expect the same in the very next match. Before the fans loose their temper he gives them a century and people are expecting the same.
But when i come on the field with ball i always had to prove people wrong. Of course you cant take 5 wickets every time and also people know this so there is very little espectation among people.

But the above anecdote is just sidelines to my observation. A another note may throw some light on this. I remember Rakesh as a rustic, brash and unruly person with little botheration for high academic standards at St. Pauls School so as expected he phased out. He could not make it to class 10 because the authorities made high criteria for passing class 9.
Unlike us, he could never associate academics with growth; also he never made any real efforts in that direction. He was so weak in maths as i remember that he almost struggled to formulate and apply basic equations from words. Very weak in imagination and little scope for improvement, every one thought.
But Rakesh's father was not ready to accept that mediocrity and hence he decided to raise the flag of improvisation for him. His father was not very educated so he cant help him in his studies. Only thing he could do was to give ' subtle moral reprimands'. Well this dude got something in his head. He decided to defy the set pattern. He failed 3 times in class 9. The fourth time he passed in first division. That time i was taking admission in Engineering.
I saw him in the aisle that time when i got invitation for the farewell party. At the same time i was overhearing two girls breaking their heads over losing 5 marks because of less time available which in turn got them to 85 instead of 86 percent. That very time i was becoming sick watching his once rustic now grief laden but with a hint of proud on it.
Every topper or captain had his or her name engraved on that very prestigious metal slate on the wall. Well i saw Gourav's name in there , there was my name too, thanks to my friends especially chetan. But i really missed Rakesh's name there. Damm i really missed it that day on that metal slate on the Wall.

I remember Linkin park was my new 'fitur' those days as i still remember those lines which came to my mind.

"I tried so hard and got so far
In the End it doesnt ever matter"